To the woman with children, from the woman without:
Cherish these moments. Though you may be so physically
exhausted that you would give anything for 60 minutes of sleep, your babies are
only babies for a little while. Hold them when they cry, because all they want
is you. All they want is to be fed, dry, and loved. Hold them, because they
won’t let you hold them forever. Through every 2 am feeding, or 4 am
poop-up-the-back blowout, have patience, have kindness, have love. Because sooner or later, you’ll blink, and
they’ll be mobile, and you’ll be frustrated, trying to keep everything
dangerous out of their mouths, as they pull the Christmas tree down on top of
them and break family heirloom ornaments. You’ll laugh and cry as they take
their first steps, walking to YOU, their momma, because to them, there is no
one more important to them in the entire world. Then you’ll blink again, and
you’ll have a toddler in full meltdown mode in the middle of the grocery store,
and all you’ll want to do is to walk up to that child and ask out loud in front
of everyone watching, “Where are your parents?!” and walk away, haha (but you
won’t!)! They will mortify you, and make you want to scream, as they start
feeling around in their life for a sense of who they are, and begin to try and
gain a little independence. They’ll scream when they don’t get their way, and
you’ll have to take a deep breath to get through it. Then before you know it,
they’re off to school, riding that big yellow school bus. Your heart will break
as you know that your baby is growing up, as she waves to you from the bus
window. And then one day you’ll want to throttle some other kid’s parents, as
their little baby is being mean to your little baby (or maybe yours is the one
being mean??). They’ll be off in the world, meeting new people (some of whom
are good, some of whom are not), learning new things. You’ll get angry when you
don’t understand how to help them with their math problems anymore, and
probably feel inferior. Guess what? You’re not, and you can use this as a
teaching moment. They’re looking to YOU for how to handle tough moments, for
how to work through difficult situations. Then before you know it, they’re in
middle school, with 10 tons of attitude, raging hormones, crushes, and did I
mention 10 tons of attitude? Early adolescence is just a horrible age to be. Do
you remember what it was like to be 13? It felt like the world was against
you…and your baby probably feels the same way. So even when she’s being a
snot-nosed brat, love her, because she won’t be this horrible age forever. In a
few short blinks of an eye, she’ll be in high school, navigating the world of
dating, driving, academics, athletics, career planning, all while fighting with
those stupid hormones. She’ll think she knows it all, and she’ll think you’re
dumb. She might even tell you that she hates you, and you’ll get mad, yell at
her, then go in your room, lock your door, and cry yourself to sleep. Then one
day you’ll wake up, and it’s time to drive your baby and drop her off at college,
hoping to God that you’ve raised her right, raised her to know the difference
between right and wrong, and set her out into the world without you. She’s
going to make choices you don’t agree with, but they’re her choices now. Her
life. Her consequences. And you are
going to cry for her, because even though she’s older, being a parent is still
so damned hard.
But even through all of this, you know that you love your
baby with all of your heart. Because at the end of the day, she’s still the one
who was inside of you, your heart beating for her, your blood pumping for her.
And you KNOW that you wouldn’t trade any of that frustration or heartbreak for
the world. Cherish it. Because you, the woman with a child, even through all of
the pain you’ve experienced as a mother, are lucky, even if you don’t always
feel that way. Because there are so many other women in this world who would
give their right arm if it meant they could be up at 4 am, cleaning the poop
off of their child’s back, if it meant they could have those temper tantrums in
the middle of the aisle, if it meant they could be frustrated at homework, if
it meant they could be on the receiving end of a 13 year old’s attitude, if it
meant they could be hating the boys or girls their daughter brings home, if it
meant they could cry as they drove away from college without their baby…because
they want nothing more than all the pain of motherhood, because along with all
that pain comes tremendous joy. Because they want nothing more than to be a
mother, but for whatever reason, they can’t, or haven’t yet, even after years
of trying. Because their tears are different from yours. Their tears come from
a longing, deep inside of them, a yearning in the deepest part of their soul. A
need that is as of yet, unfulfilled. Some people just cannot think of anything
else; it is all-consuming to want a child, but to not have one. And when
well-meaning people say things like, “just relax,” or “just adopt,” it cheapens
the feeling, it cheapens the pain, it cheapens the experience. Because it isn’t always that easy.
Because no matter how much we’ve tried “just relaxing,” it still hasn’t
happened. Because no matter how much we have prayed, it still has not happened.
Because no matter how many different medicines we’ve taken, or shots we’ve
injected into ourselves, it still hasn’t happened. Because no matter what, most
normal working people just cannot come up with the money it takes to adopt. Because
for some reason, wanting a child and not having one is like a secret club, one
that no one wants to be in, and no one talks about. So these women may not even
know how many others like them are going through the exact same thing. There
are play dates for kids & the moms get to hang out and breathe together…but
there often feels like there is no support for the childless mother. The isolation is deafening.
To the woman with children, please do not be offended by
what I wrote from my heart. It is not in any way meant to cheapen your
experience and what you go through. Rather, it is simply a way of telling you
that you have an absolute miracle, and to cherish it. Because there are women
out there who are jealous of that miracle, and want nothing more than to have
one of their own. Love those women. Even though you can’t truly understand
their pain, and they can’t truly understand yours, love them. Be there for
them. Don’t exclude them, because they already feel isolated. They may turn you
down if they are not at a good place at that moment in time, but the fact that
you still invited them, matters.
To the woman without children, love the women with
children…because if your day comes, they will know exactly what to say or do to
support you when you’re up at 4 am, when you’re waving goodbye to your baby
through the bus window, when you’re angry that you cannot figure out this
stupid word problem, when you’re crying in your room because your daughter just
told you she hated you. The woman with children will be your biggest
cheerleader, and she wants nothing more than for you to join the mommy club
with her. She just may not know how to help you where you’re at right now, and
that’s okay. Love her. Be there for her, to the greatest extent that your heart
will allow. And most importantly, love yourself. Trust that God has a bigger
plan for you. You may not always know what He has in store, and you may not
always like the answers to the prayers you pray, but know that He is listening! The pain that you have been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming (Romans 8:18). :-)
